HEAVEN SENT

Been A While

2005-02-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

I must say it has been two months since my last entry- and this one will be short. I will write again later, just letter to let you all know that I am alive and kickin. Things are great for me now. Check back by this weekend for an updated blog!

Here I come to wreck the day!

2004-11-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it was a rather long day. I messed up by waking up late and getting to work late. I normally dont work on Sundays- but had to re-arrange my shift earlier this week. In any case The day came and went with no real bad news, or good news on anything. The highlight of my day was when Esther came to visit me at work, which was great. It is always inspiring to see her on days I normally dont see her. Well, the bad news finally had come (like I always get myself in trouble with) when Esther and I were outside and we got engaged in a conversation that was seriously out of line, talking about sex and what guys always think about. It got way more graphic, but I left it at that.

So needless to say, Esther is "Concerned" that I am going to be too prone to that type of conversation and behavior later on down the road. Once I get myself straightened out, I dont care to even think of coming back to the past. Because with the exception of certain people and times in my past, everything is hogwash.

The good thing that did come of the evening, is I got approved for VTO (Voluntary Time Off) @ 7:30 and headed home for a little break. I plan on taking my son tonight so I can be with him. I miss him all the time, even when he is here with me.

I signed up for some Overtime, like I am going to do continously throughout the year so I can give my kids a heck of a Christmas in making up for their daddy divorcing their mom, and making the mistake to begin with. But I am glad I got my kids out of it- that was the good part. So hopefully with more OT, comes more money, which means more gifts more my kids, and that means a better ability to pay off the debt I currently am having to pay off to the phone company that I had run up a month ago when I ran over my minutes. So now every week I have to pay 100 dollars on TOP of all the phone bill usage.

So, overtime is a must. I also have quite the bill to pay back to Esther for whipping out all kinds of money for me when I was lower in the pocketbook greens. I think her tab is running close to 1000.00 dollars. Boy do I owe her some money.

In any case, I have to write in my journal, and do a few other things before I go get my boy for the night, so you all take care, and have a good night!

-Rex

ALIVE AND KICKIN!

2004-11-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

Well kids and kidetts- Im back on the blog to bust out a shout to all the homies! lol, just kidding. Today, despite the fact that I was seriously tired- I managed to make it through work without incident. I kept my kids up until 11:30, spending much more time with them instead of taking them back early in the morning.

Unfortunately I didnt take them tonight because I wanted to catch up on some sleep- or at least be able to sleep through without worrying about the kids getting into some kind of trouble here in my small studio while I sleep.

In any case, I made it off to work fine and the day was pretty slow. I got to write in my journal all day today, and yesterday, so now my paper journal, as well as my online journal (blog) is getting more up to date. I am trying to keep all my information up to date so there is NO lapse in information on my part.

I am still pushing the vitamins as my hopeful business- and successfully submitted it to 1,000,000 search engines, with all of them having my site successfully added by the new year, and that means the traffic will start flowin!

Hopefully that means all my worries about working will defuse- and I will be able to focus on what I want, my children and my book. So, long story short- I am praying that I am blessed enough to not have to work a dead end job, and work for myself!

Well, I hope all my friends are doing well, and ask if they find the time... to shoot me an email and let me know how things are doing...since I dont talk to them that often. Take it easy all!

PEACE!

Back to the Vitamins!

2004-11-13T01:28:00.000-07:00

Well ya'll I dont have a whole lot of time to invest in my blog tonight, but I did want to give you all the heads up that the Vitamin site I am running is now registered to all the major search engines, so if you didnt believe my commitment before- check the site out and give it a shot. 30 day money back satisfaction!

www.dontforgettotakeyourvitamins.com/beardsley5264

Check it out folks!

-Rex

The Daily Line Up

2004-11-12T05:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I am going to keep this blog entry fairly short and sweet, because I should have been asleep HOURS ago... lol.

Anyways- looks like some testing of my spirit is coming around the corner again, as my (ex) wife Melissa's roomate starts to try to stiff us on childcare issues- so I have to change my schedule to a morning shift, even though its not something I want to do- unless she gets her act together, and I will find that out in about 6 hours...

Well, wish me luck as I pray that she either conforms to her original agreement with Melissa- or that the good Lord helps me by providing me with another way. Either way I am game, I just cant wait to find out what the real deal is. If anyone has any ideas or input, shoot me an email @ Beardsley004@msn.com and I will try to respond ASAP. I check my email daily, so that shouldnt be an issue.

So...Now I also need to squeeze more time in to type in my book. I wish sometimes I could take hours out of the day (Usually when I am at work) and wish I could buy more hours when I am with my kids or Esther. lol- the irony.

Well Kids- a few more things before I can go to bed- this can now be checked off! See ya!

-Rex - DIRECTOR OF THE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!

Heya Peeps!

2004-11-11T01:58:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a part of my new commitment to myself to write in the blog, in my journal, and in my book. I Just hope all this writing helps me with more skills to write, instead of the possibility of burning me out. I have to keep optimistic about all the writing- to be a blessing, not a punishment. Despite all the issues that I have to deal with- I think the battles are going to be easier to clear up. I have the task one day of sitting down and trying to finish catching up in my journal since I have allowed myself to do otherwise, like video games and talking all the times on the phone. Although they are fun, I dont think they are the ones that are going to make my life easier. So, I can try to hope that I can get into the routine that I have set for myself on a daily basis, and make it possible 100% by January 1st 2005. So, Basically, my writing in this blog tonight is just a starting memo/ session that I am hoping will be a DAILY post from here on out, and have details of the days too, not just the same ol stuff. Essentially I am going to be keeping two journals.

I dont suppose it should be that hard to do, especially if I set my mind to it. I am also going to add to the list of DAILY things to do- Working out and getting into shape. I have a feeling that If I do that, my urge to want to smoke will decrease because who wants a smoke after running a marathon? lol.

I also am going to try to keep daily, if not weekly picture posts of the adventures me and my kids have during the week, and try to set a goal to go somewhere once a week and set it as normal of a thing to do, just like going to church, or eating dinner. Just need to do some research there.

So, I hope that with all my lucky readers, as well as anyone who actually checks this constantly, that there will always be fresh information on my life, and the life of my kids. I have to make sure that my friends can stay in touch with my life, even if it is indirectly.

So, This will satisfy me for the day, but I plan to write before the end of this day (Before 11:59pm) and see if I can do it! Wish me luck!

Rex

Hoping To Trample The Adversary

2004-11-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

I end up having to look at the adversary in ways that other people would consider normal. I dont like to think of the devil, nor of the control he has over the mass population of this world. I dont like thinking that nomatter what I do, and where I go, there are legions of his followers hounding my every move. I have to try to keep a positive additude despite my problems. I guess as much as I like to think I have it bad, there probably are tons more people that have it worse than me. I am not complaining about what I have for temporal needs, not in any ways. I am however implying that I believe that me, and certain members of my family have more battles with the Devil than most people I know. People have said that this is a struggle for me because of how special I am in the eyes of the Lord. People have thought that perhaps my misfortune is something I need to strugle through just so I can assist others in the future. I hope that I can attain a high glory.... even though all my problems constantly remind themselves to me. How can anyone possibly hope or try to understand my past without judging me? I think of all the others I might meet in my life in the near future, will be inclined to do so. There at least seems to be a few alternatives. One, I could explain my past to everyone that would have a direct impact in my life, and possibly face the idea that they may not want to deal, or talk with me. Or two, I can hide my past, remain humble about my blessings, and allow them to think I am a saint.
It kind of makes me think that either way I am screwed. Because if I reveal my past, Im an evil man, never able to change in the eyes of anyone else. If I dont , then I am living a lie. However, anyone else I know, they dont seem to be pressured by others to reveal their past. Sounds like a tricky and unsatisfying route.
Like a good 311 song, it explains to keep every option open... and not to fall short on the long routes. "Reconsider Everything" is the title of the song.
Or like the other song of theirs I like, "Beyond the Grey sky"... They point out that nomatter what their problems, they thank the Lord for the clear blue sky when it comes.
Guess relating to music is easier for me, then just to relate with people on a "Been there done that" mood.

Well, honestly dont know how this day is going to work out. I am stressed physically because of almost no sleep. I am drowning in my own past, and I am having a hard time optimisticly seeing beyond the Grey sky. (Probably because I enjoy the murky dark and grey weather.)

I also dont know how long Esther is going to press through these battles with me. Id like to hope forever... but even she isnt immune to stress, and her upbringing very different from mine. The absolute best way to describe my childhood is viewed through a music video called "Broken Home" by Papa Roach. He really hits the nerve of understanding trying to show how life was for him growing up, and he showed my life as well probably without knowing it. Then, thinking about that I realized that this is probably why this type of "Punk" music is becoming the thing for kids these days. Eminem, all similar artists are the ones who describe the hard lifestyles in their songs- the ones people can relate with.

Anyways... im sure you all are fed up with todays sermon.... so I will sign off and write when I feel most inclined. Probably when I cant vent anywhere else but here. Enjoy...

Criticism Taking Its Toll

2004-10-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

I wish there was an easy way to say that Im tired of life. Im tired of trying to change in the face of countless numbers of opposition, only to find that nomatter what I do, im still critisized...I am still viewed as a liability because of things I have done in my past. Im tired of the garbage, im tired of feeling like a lost cause. Im tired of feeling as valueable as the dirt on the bottom om someones shoe. One of these days I wont be able to press on any longer. The feeling of not wanting to be keeps creeping up on me. One of these days- it just might win. Without trying, I somehow manage to hurt people...even the ones I love dearly. Wont ever give up on her.... just know that if this struggling garbage continues, she will give up on me.....

2004-10-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

MY SENIOR YEAR AT PROM- 1999-2000
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Love In Its Greatest Form

2004-10-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Well, to start this blog session, Id like to say that I am very thankful for the idea that someone really appriciates my writing, and all my words. I am thankful that there are a few people here on this earth that think that my writing skills are exceptional. I must say in response that without the confidence instilled in me from these other people, I probably would not have the confidence to continue writing, or care to continue doing so.

Every day that I spend more time with my Dreamy, I feel more and more compelled to share to all how lucky I am. I owe her everything. Without her, I surely say that I would have fallen under the pressures of life and finances. I cant really say how much I love her for her efforts on keeping me sane. All I know is that without her I would be in utter Chaos. Without her love, her support, I dont know where I would be. She is always so concerned about my personal welfare that she seems to put me in front of all her needs. She is even exploring another financial route just so her and I dont have to be bound to the traditional 9-5 job at our current call center job.

I know a few songs that express a little about how I feel. One in particular is a song from NSYNC called "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You." If you have never heard this song, it is one I recommend a man dedicates to his woman whom he loves so much. This song is about the best way to desribe an incredible love for someone that otherwise would go unexplained. Another song comes from Savage Garden, "I knew I Loved You Before I Met You."

I always find myself looking back over the events that led to Esther and I talking. The real first time we talked was in the lunch room at work. She was sitting with someone talking about politics at a table behind me, and I jumped into their conversation without being invited. I know I remember the look I got from her. "What the heck does this guy think he is doing jumping into my conversation?" Not officially what she said, but if I could interpret a look into a sentence, that would be it.

I dont know if it was the same day, but I know that we started talking after she flipped me off while we were in the bullpen at work. (Bullpen- place for rookies) The reason I took an apparent interest was because she called it the Mormon flip off. I then became really interested. First of all because my marriage was in chaos- and my wife didnt support me in the church, so that relationship was crumbling from the day we started it. The reason, because we didnt start the relationship in the Lord, and all post marriage attempts at it were thwarted. So my interest in Esther was real. She was beautiful, she was an active member of the church, and she had a feeling to her like I knew her before life, and I knew that I had to press the issue talking with her.

I dont know if that was the Lord working his wonderful magic, but I did know that nomatter what, I needed to talk to her more. Well, the rest has happened on its own. The Lord showed me the path I needed to walk, and I started to walk it. Since then, I have been able to conquer some serious sins that I have had in times past, or knock a huge chunk out of the founding blocks to my sins. I know a few things for sure... First, you cannot enter the celestial glory without being sin free. Second, you cannot enter into the Celestial Kingdom without a Temple Marriage. I also realized that my patriarchal blessing instructs me to pray to my father in heaven about the woman I am supposed to marry. Oh the feeling I got when I prayed about Esther. Incredible.

Esther is so wonderful with my children. I can already tell that my children love her dearly. She is so good at making my oldest son giggle and laugh. My step daughter just loves the way Esther is able to get down to the level of her playing field. My step daughter totally is thrilled to see her all the time. All I have left to do, is to integrate my youngest Son Vyse into the picture. Once I start taking the kids more during the week after my new schedule starts. I feel so happy that my kids love her.

I think despite the fact that I made a mistake in my first marriage, I guess these kids were supposed to come to the Earth at this time. That also kind of explains why Esther is so loved by them. I know my kids love her, because of how open they were and now are from ther first time they met her. Normally, especially with my oldest son, they would be incredibly shy and reserved. I dont think I have ever seen that with my kids when Esther is around.

So now I am left with every day trying to make sure that Esther understands how much I love her, and appriciate her. Even though I have base minimum of a year before I can be with her, I have that much time to solidify my relationship and love for her in the Lord. My next big challenege is to become a full active member of the church again. And to dedicate my life in service to the Lord. It isnt an easy task, because doing anything else is a lot easier.

So, to end this short and sweet session of my blog, I want Esther and everyone else to know that I love her dearly. To all my friends, I love you guys- and be safe and secure. Remember to love everyone, and judge them not! Peace to all!

-Rexford G. Beardsley
-Director of humerous things!

2004-10-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

Cant say what I was thinking- but you get the drift
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APOLOGIES FOR DELAYED WRITING

2004-10-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I cant say that even with being moved out on my own that doing any of this writing business is easy to keep up on. I must say that the task isnt hard, just is time involved, and that is one of my local constraints.

In any case I have been doing well since I last posted with moderate levels of bad news and good news. Starting with the good news, Melissa finally got herself a job so the income wont be such a huge constraint. The other good news is that I am not getting as depressed as I have allowed myself to get in times past.

Bad news is that Melissa had at some point forgot to balance the checkbook, so basically the account went negative today. So, being payday, I had to take myself to the local bank and get my own account opened. with a little bit of cash left over, i got melissa's account out of the red, and back into the green. She understands now (despite saying so before that she already had) that she is indeed in charge of paying the bills of what she had, and I will pick up the slack.

Its a prayer that finally has gotten answered- because she has needed a job to pick up the financial slack. All the overtime that I had been working is wearing me down, and making me get sick. Worse part is, I dont care about how I am feeling, but whenever I work too much overtime, I dont get to see my kids as often and I make Esther get a little angry with me, or perhaps not angry, but upset that she feels there is nothing that she can do to make all my problems go away. Bless her wonderful heart, she has plenty shown her love and concern for me by expressing her discontent with me working all the overtime.

On the better side of things, Melissa gets a job, and that means I can save some money finally for Christmas- my suprise for Esther, and for paying the tremendous fees for divorce. (270.00+)

Well, I want to write more, but im fighting to keep my eyes open, so this will be my farewell until next time,

Take care of yourselves, and each other-
Rex

2004-09-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Little Roselena!
Posted by Hello

2004-09-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

My Son Vyse starting to crawl
Posted by Hello

2004-09-27T22:36:00.001-07:00

This is my son Rex the 3rd
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2004-09-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Its Me!
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Yearning for a fast foward

2004-09-18T02:47:00.000-07:00

Ever live a day, see your goal so close you can almost taste it, but its really 1/20th of your lifetime away? I am living with that - only my goal is 420ish days away. That is a very unspecific goal, and could even be more than that. Constantly living with the aching of your heart to be with someone whom you love so dearly.

Her love is amazing, her kisses like sweet nectar. I long to hold her, and hate the time away from her. Her presence commands attention, and gets it very easily from my eyes.

My mind is more blank trying to put into words something so powerful, even poets have a hard time defineing. I will take the initiative to say this, I love her dearly, miss her dearly- and yearn to be with her for eternity. She, with me, is one in the Lord- and thank the good Lord every day for her.

Love to all,
Rexford G Beardsley Jr

The Power of Change

2004-09-16T04:30:00.000-07:00

Call me one normally prone to follow the slightest breeze that passes over the face of the earth. But I will have all who know me, know that I am no longer prone to this type of life. I know that the days of the Lord's return are near, perhaps not in my lifetime, but in the lifetime of my childrens children. The Lord has been so magnificent in offering his children over the past hundreds of years, the opportunity to repent, and come unto him. Call me another taker. I have lived life as every freelance person, teenager or boy has. I have tasted of the ways of the earth, and of the flesh, and have no desire to dwell in them. I have the desire to be a man of the lord, a man of righteousness- one whom will do the bidding of his father at a moments call. The Lord provides way for all of us to repent. He will help us with anything we need help in. He is such a gracious father to allow us to sin, and be forgiven provided we repent. Just like I might get angry with my children for doing something wrong, if they tell me they are sorry, I obsolve them and forgive them. I see how the Lord works. I love my children nomatter what they do. I can not ever not love my children just like any parent. We are bound to love that which is of our flesh, just as man was made in the Lords image, so are our children made in our image. We can be forgiven of our sins nomatter what- we just need to be sorry for them, repent, and never do them again. I thank the Lord every day for those whom have helped me get to where I am today- I love the lord in his widespread arm of forgiveness, and pray that if any of you need of my services, that I may one day be able to help you in the way my dear, sweet, loving Esther has done for me. Such a powerful love I hold for this woman... I truly hope that I may be able to repay the Lord and Esther for their faith in me.

My love to all-
RexFord G. Beardsley Jr.

Transcript of talking with Esther

2004-09-16T04:25:00.000-07:00

This stood out to me to copy down- so I did.. this was part of some of the stuff I had told Esther.

i feel impressed to tell you that the lord will provide a way for all things that need be accomplished to be done- dont lose faith because of trials- use your trials to build faith. there is no object or sin, or struggle that cannot be overcome with the lord. He will bless you esther- as your patriarchal blessing says, you are a chosen spirit- and the lord does not allow the adversary....
RexFord says:
to overcome when his saints are faithful. through thoughtful prayer and faith, anything is possible in the eyes of the lord. look at all the times you had prayed for me in the first few weeks of knowing me... and now look what has happened because you had faith in me, and had faith that the lord would grant me another chance. i owe you and the lord the service of my life, and like i said...
RexFord says:
not only in love will i do anything for you and the lord, but because the lord has said "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your god." so no need to praise me for helping you, thank the lord. he has given me the opportunity to return the great blessing that you have passed to me. smile, be happy and faithful. i love you and always will....
RexFord says:
and the lord loves you too.
RexFord says:
my goodness, i wish i could better explain how powerful the spirit is in me, especially when i think of you and the eternal blessings that will come with our temple marriage. the lord truly loves his choice children, especially if he would send you "Behind enemy lines" to help retrieve me from the pits of the "sinful earth". Esther, you neednt fear anything that the devil sends at you...
RexFord says:
the power of faith, and the love that the lord has for us will protect us from satan and his spirits. they can envy us all they want, but they chose their path, (To follow Satan) and we chose ours. to be righteous children of the most high, and to be happy and have eternal glory with the father.

All these things are possible with faith- it is my testimony- in Jesus name- Amen.

My Dear Dreamy

2004-09-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

After hanging out with my children and my dear dreamy- I got to the point to where holding her made me so happy, I didnt even want to let go. I couldnt help but smile every time I looked into her eyes. I dont recall ever being so happy, with the exception of my boys being born. So much love and support coming from her I cant ever say that I am unhappy. I do find myself constantly worrying if my dreamy is ok, if she is feeling ok, and if she needs my love and comfort.

Almost every thought that I produce has is most ways to do something with her. I just cant wait for the day to where I can ask her if she would be mine for time and all eternity. That day already would have come provided my current problem wasnt here. (The marriage I am in the works of breaking off.)

I have the perfect time and place in mind to ask her. Im sure she would like to know, but that day is a tad bit off. I cant wait for the time to where I can take a knee and ask her if she would be mine. Provided the circumstances allow, that time isnt too far off. I cant wait to be able to show her my temple recommend and ask her which temple she wants to be sealed in.

She has been so good with my children. My children love and adore her. And the love she shows for my children is so comforting to me. i cant wait to where we can all be sealed an eternal family in the eyes of the Lord.

I am very thankful that the Lord has provided a way for me to be eternally sealed to Esther and my kids forever!

I want Esther to know how much I love her. I want her to know that I would die for her. I especially want her to know that I live for the sight of her, and for the endless possibilities of her and I in the eyes of the father. Without my dear Dreamy, I fear I would be nothing to help fill the void of nothingness.

Finally, I owe it all to the gracious father in heaven whom has given me the chance to prove again that I can do what is required of me, and that "Thy will be done..." over mine. I have taken all the new changes in my life with careful prayer and consideration, and Esther being the great guide and beacon unto me. Its such a powerful blessing that there is someone in this world who can love me the way that she does, and I feel even more blessed to be allowed to love her.

I Pray that the Lord will continue to bless my children and I, and I pray that the Lord will forever bless Esther- for she is definately a wondrous daughter of God, worthy of the best kingdom that the father has.

I Love You Dearly Esther, and Will so forever and ever because the Lord has provided a way for me to cherish you like you deserve to be.... through Eternity!

The Gift Of Change

2004-09-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well, as I have posted below this blog, the woman who I owe much change of myself to is Esther. She has been there for me every step of the way... and without her, I fear my life would be in continual turmoil. She has openly loved and cared for me in my time of life changing status, and has helped me get through all my recent problems. I owe her a great deal, and can only repay her with celestial and eternal happiness.

I could never have imagined how happy she has made me feel. She has overwhelmingly been of great support in times of my depression, and in times of need.

Today Esther and I VTO'd (Voluntary Time Off) and went by my mothers house. Esther hit it off well with my siblings, and also was in great favor in the eyes of my mother. Which is a huge deal considering my mothers lack of approval on my past relationships.

With enough luck, I will one day be able to write a poem worthy of a complete description of Esther. She has such a powerful impact on my heart and soul, honestly- ive never felt this way about a woman in my life. Every moment I am awake I yearn to be with her, and every dream I ever remember.... i yearn to be with her. My desire to love someone and to hold, cherish and praise someone has never been so strong.

I would literally do anything for Esther. I would travel the world, conquer armies, and move mountains just to be by her side and hold her.

I cannot wait until I can hold with her, the great posterity of our family in the eternal mansions of our father in heaven. The limitless possibilities of the Eternities with Esther are so exciting just to imagine. I truely hope that one day my siblings can enjoy of a love as strong as the love I have now for their spouses. If I can honestly love Esther this much now, I cant even imagine how my love for her will grow over the course of our lifetime and into the eternities...

Its Near bedtime, so until next time, Love to all Family and Friends..... and of course, to Esther!

2004-09-15T00:52:00.000-07:00

Ummm...... Dont ask!
Posted by Hello

2004-09-15T00:51:00.001-07:00

Roselena
Posted by Hello

2004-09-15T00:51:00.000-07:00

Trey!
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2004-09-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

My Dear Son Vyse Everett Beardsley (The Bald One), My Oldest Son Rexford George Beardsley III, And my daughter Roselena Elizabeth Howard
Posted by Hello

2004-09-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

This Is A Picture Of Little Miss Dreamy... The One Who Has Helped Change My life.......
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HEAVEN SENT

2004-09-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

Well the past few days have been good ones for the most part, although wednesday night and thursday morning took a few turns for the worst. I had brought all my kids over wednesday night to sleep over, and it turns out they were all suffering from an ailment or two that I wish had been pointed out to me before I brought them to my place. In any case, I was mad, and the whole thing of animoscity towards Melissa was let go.
Needless to say that I was pleased to have my kids with me. It filled a huge void in my soul to have them near me.

Were it not for my good friend Esther, I have no clue where I would be. Presumably I would have fallen deeper into transgression. Turning my heart 100% back to the Lord has got to be the hardest thing to accomplish that I have ever done, next to letting all my concerns of religion go 6 years ago. I know I had typed a few times previously in my blog stating that I felt a void in my soul that I never thought I might fulfill. I now have the means and emotional power for the most part to turn to the Lord, my savior, to help me with the rest of my problems.

I wanted to point out also that in my last blog that I had prayed and hoped others would pray for my sister Amber that her condition would be ok. Turns out, she just has a minor sinus infection that will require a little bit of surgery.

As far as the title of today's blog, well that is not concerning how I feel about myself. It is how I feel that the Lord has sent Esther to help me with all I need to have addressed and also to help me with my transitional emotional hurricane. The Lord has been so gracious to give me a second chance to regain my spirit and to live a life of humility in his service. I pray that the Lord forgives me for being a bad example to all my friends and family.... and I hope they can forgive me.

I do miss my children badly, even though its barely been 36 hours since they were here last. My concern is not for their personal safety (Because I know Melissa can handle them) but that I have been a bad father. I pray that all that I have ever done that was bad towards my children will not be remembered by them, and that the Lord will forgive me. I may have been too stern a father, I dont know. I miss my interaction with my children so bad that It bothers me... even to the point of crying. I have to work all the overtime that I am working just to make sure that I have all the money that I need to care for, and sustain two households.

Praise the almighty for his kindness in forgiving the sins of my past transgressions. I also would request if at all possible that someone else pray for me.... I need all the strength I can to pull off what I need to do here shortly....

May the Lord Bless you all,

RexFord G. Beardsley Jr.

PERSONAL REVELATION

2004-09-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I dont know whether to call it personal revelation, predestination, or perhaps just destiny (Which I personally dont belive)- but I have arrived at the conclusion that my life and eternal views are not in the direction I was once heading. I can only regret my childrens having to suffer from me only being around twice or so a week. I love them dearly, and not wavering.
So powerful is the love for a child, I can honestly say I know what drove my father to madness after not seeing his children for 13 years. I never want that for my children. It is my personal hope and prayer that all my seperation issues remain civil about my children. The Lord and all whom I know, know how much I dearingly love my children- yes, even my step daughter. Its not questionable for me that my path leads me away from my current wife. There have been issues there, but I believe that the dear Lord intended for me to see my mistakes when he told me in my patriarchal blessing to seek counsel from him of whom I should marry.... which I never did. To this very day it haunts me. However, the lord has provided a way for me to change myself, and to come to a full recognition of my sins.

Blessed is he whom has provided a way for me to travel back to him. I have had two main mountains to surpass to be where I need to be. I need to be the example- I have to be the one to set the pace, the one to hold the torch for my family to follow. My Kin are too deep in their sins, I dont want my linage to be cast out from the presence of the Lord - and he has and is making me a beacon unto all whom I know and love. How hard it is to tell someone something when a month ago I was doing what they were doing. I know the Lord is great in his wisdom about whom he chooses as his beacons - Just as he picked Joseph Smith Jun. to do his work versus an older man, he didnt want someone who was fixed in their ways, which is now why I understand the importance of bringing your children up in the church from their first days.

Striking near 4 am here... I feel impressed to say that the spirit of the Lord when given in complete faith, is returned with full power, and provided your heart and spirit are in the right place, you can do anything. I feel now the powerful force of the spirit just as I type this. Its like the powerful tingle you get when watching you favorite team win the superbowl, the feeling you get when you lock eyes with someone you love dearly.... this is the same and wonderful feeling that has encompassed me in the last 4 weeks. I know there is a great force working to the contrary of how I am trying to work for my personal salvation - But I'll have him know, as well as all of you whom read this, that the powerful spirit you feel when you read the confirmation of my spirit testifying to you of the great and almighty redeemer, even Jesus Christ, this is my testimony beginning to bear on your souls. Turn not your heads from him, nor your ears. Like he quotes in the bible, in the mouth of two or three shall my word be preached, to every nation, kindred, tounge and people.

I can say with a broken heart and contrite spirit that the Lord has worked a marvelous work and a wonder upon my soul, and that provided you let him help you if you need him (And you know who you are) he will help you. I can also testify that he loves each and every one of us, and that by knowing us in the premortal life, he knew that we could survive the times because we were of the chosen of his fold. I dont want to get to preachy, but I wanted to make it known.

Another request to be made to whomever reads this and becomes acquainted with me, please forgive me if I ever have sinned against you, just as I will forgive as my father in heaven has commanded me.

Such great happiness can come to your soul just by reading your scriptures daily- pray to the Lord always. I found that praying to the Lord and asking him to give me the strength to press on past my trials and tribulations is helpful. Anything that you seek counsel on, go to him in humble prayer. The powerful works of prayer can be a great cornerstone to building, or re-building your testimony. This I speak from personal experience.

It is my prayer that the Lord will guide, protect, love and provide for us when we need it. I pray for the good safety of D.S. in his travels outside of school, to the field, and I pray that the Lord protects him against all adversity.

I also ask that if anyone have the ability- that they pray for my dear sister Amber. She is having a few sensitive issues with health that could be borderline life threatening. I pray that the Lord may comfort her in her time, and would ask if anyone could please pray for her as well. D.S., if you could do me a favor and bow your head and pray for Amber - perhaps your kindred spirit will be of good sound to the ears of the Lord that he might grant thy request.

Well, it is 4:17 am now- I still feel no immediate need to get off the computer, other than the fact that I have to get up so early tomorrow morning. I miss my children, and cant wait to have them over to stay the night :) . I pray for the friend of whom I owe my eternal salvation to, for without this friend, I would surely have perished in perdition. This friend knows who they are as well.

Well as always- I am Out of here, take great care of yourselves and your families, for charity suffereth long!

~ RexFord G. Beardsley Jr. ~

2004-08-07T02:26:00.000-07:00

After work today, at 22:30 hours, CEMA 008, 003 and myself 004, met up at our designated spot of training and had a few hopefuls in sight. The proposed A009 and A010 were very hopeful indeed. We did our newly appointed physical test of strenuous activity including a barrage of push ups, pull ups, sit ups, timed runs, and weapon management, (Which consists of paintball guns and knight sticks) and threw them into a very hard course of fights. All of the weapons and materials used in the physical tests were financed by 008. (Thanks again if your reading)

A009 shows great promise in the fighting area. 003 was very complete with his martial arts black belt as a teaching ability. Myself and 008 have since moved to red belts, only 2 belts from our black. A009 competed fairly well, even gave 008 a bloody lip, however 008 punished him for it. a009 is going home with a really sore ribcage. His physical rate % was 89.78 % - very good considering myself and 008 when we first undertook it.

(When we first started 6 months ago)
008 scored a 93.09 on his...
003 scored a 96.34 on his...
004 scored a 92.99 on his...

Now, including our rookies, the stats stand as..
CEMA 008 scoring 100 %
CEMA 003 scoring 99.15 %
CEMA 004 scoring 98.83%
A 009 scoring 89.78%
A 010 scoring 83.96%

With our new addition to the team we hope to re-open our intel platform that has longsince been lagging ever since the resignation of 002 (Desert Sabertooth). A010 is the hopeful there.

As far as investigation, A009 seems to be more the hopeful, with his innate ability to use complex software systems in many spyware programs to his advantage.

We hope to be fully operational within 3 more weeks, with 6 more agents lined up for training in the next week. Then CEMA will be back online. With the private investigation training from 008, we will be fully able to track and record all complex information, and even provide customers with detailed information of the person whom we are tracking.

In the intel platform, we will soon be able to track and trace outbound email from the suspects email account. Our whole operation is going to be 100 times more effective than in times past. Anyone who is interested in using the CEMA platform for private investigative use, should check back to this site for the link to the website that is also in the works. Rates will be flatrate- but more info soon to come.

**For security purposes, no agents names will ever be revealed.**

2004-08-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

Roselena and the wave flowers....
Posted by Hello

2004-08-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

Roselena , Myself , and Vyse
Posted by Hello

2004-08-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

The jaw opening experience...
Posted by Hello

2004-08-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

My Kids
Posted by Hello

THE RENEWAL

2004-08-01T02:28:00.000-07:00

Power controls the soul. The motion and adventure of seeking the power is the epic of naturalization. One whom cant control power- controls not himself. The quest for self control always lies deep in the struggle for power.

C.E.M.A. 008

Suffice it to say that more emotional changes are being made here. And a lot similar to what 008 had to say about things in an email to me which I posted above. I hate how reality seems to fade into serious view when the world wants to rape you. When I try to push for a more memorable moment, reality runs farther from my grasp. Locating the deep inner being that has long since tried to crawl from the internal cracks of this body.

Sitting alone, in the dark has been of strange comfort to me. Listening to soundscape music trying to place my game piece on the big board we call earth. No matter how much effort I seem to put into controling where I go, the monotony of life catches up with me. The same old garbage of working the same old lame hours at the same old job, paying the same old bills, coming home and watching the same old garbage on T.V.

I dont care what anyone says- nomatter how much one seems to believe the world changes, it always stays the same. I guess I somewhat seek solitude from monotony, however, I know it will never happen. Life will seem to stand there and jab you in the kidney when you think you finally have stood tall.

My only solitude that I believe I get- is when I come home, and look at my boys. Just by looking at them, I can feel more at peace.

I wonder though. Will life ever change? Will its true meaning ever be revealed? For my emotional sake, I hope so. I can hang with my friends, I can play the norm... but deep down inside, something about my soul isnt being satisfied. Somehow I have to find a way to drive a better charisma into my soul. My soul feels as empty as a starving mans stomach. Some people like to point God into their picture, and I will admit, I used to do that myself.

Honestly, whether God lives or not, he doesnt seem to care. I have seen MANY people who hold no favor to god, nor religion, that are far ahead in this world, while the people who try to humble themselves and live the godly way get screwed in life. Call it envy perhaps. I have tried to live the way of God. I have tried to devote myself to the study of biblical history, and to turn my back on the world. I am still in that same position now...only no believe.

Sometimes I feel that the spirits of the outer realms have touched my soul. Sometimes I feel that someone is trying to connect with my spirit, and help bring forth whom I really am. Honestly, Rex to me is an empty shell. A shell of someone who was, but is no longer. I am trying to fill the shell with things in life that seem to be more rewarding, and less distracting.

I dont know if I am the only person whom ever has felt this way. I feel a connection with the spirits of something, just I cant say what. I cant locate the power to unlock who I really am supposed to be, but I know it is something far greater than what I am today. Call it Egocentric if you want. I can feel that I am supposed to be more than what I am now. A run down 22 year old man with 3 kids, and no bright future in sight...

Dont misunderstand me, I am not depressed. I dont feel sad at all.... just like I said before, like and empty shell with no filling. All the people I knew and know of growing up for the most part have done somthing incredible with their life, or are in the works of doing it... Ive done almost nothing that ive dreamed of. My plans of being a football player professionally, foiled with an injury I got sophomore year....

My kids are one great dream that I was fortunate to have early. They have made a lasting impression on how I think many of my decisions out. And thank the Gods, spirits..or whatever for them. My biggest question now- to anyone who knows me, would be how do you see me? Have I changed? Am I doing better than times past? Do I portray someone with a hopeful future? This I would care to recieve email back on, or comment on your blog etc.

cema004@msn.com

One last thing to help explain the way I feel. I feel about as understood as the mentality of a baby in the conception to birth phase. only physical status known. I am a battered down, hunk of 22 year old junk physically. But so flows the current of life. We give, we get, or so some say. Live and let live...others say. Not good enough for me. I am now trying to adopt the ideal of living beyind the moment.

At this point, I would like to see how others feel about this subject, if they feel the same. please feel free to comment on this, I would love to read any ideas, or similar quests for emotional power.

Wading in the waters of life...I cant cross the river...without the collision of strife....
Life strikes hard enough to make me quiver... I pray for the river to calm.... This seems to ruin my emotional life.... someone must be holding me in their palm.... along with the hot and sharpe knife.....

CEMA004

OUT

The Desert Rain

2004-07-27T01:15:00.000-07:00

BRING IN YOUR SOUL - PEACE IN THE PAIN - ONE GIANT HOLE - DEEP IN YOUR BRAIN.... - CEMA004

I cant say if it was an easy day. Actually- the clock sped by so fast I hardly remember that day. I didnt seem to drag my feet as I did days before, but I did feel exhausted. Sitting outside as it started to poor at around 11pm was probably the most rewarding soul sound time I have had in a while. The powerful thunder seeping deep in my soul.

These storms are what make Tucson the place to live... but they are too far and few between.

Well its been a damned long day- I am going to build faction with my pillow.

OUTTIE--

2004-07-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

I dont know what tjey are doing.... so dont ask
Posted by Hello

A Bit O' Coffee

2004-07-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

As Desert Sabertooth and I have done in times past, we continued the tradition later sunday night, monday early morning, of going to our IHOP and drinking coffee and kickin the can.

(From now on Desert Sabertooth will hereby be typed as D.S)

D.S and I headed out to have some coffee and ended up meeting one of my old regular customers when I worked at that IHOP in late 1999. D.S and I talked to Rev. John for a while about politics while also speaking about our own goals and current issues of interest.

I cant help but wonder why time seems to speed so fast now... when I was younger, my perception of time was a lot slower, and things tended to feel that way also. Now it feels like its going slow- but the days fly by. My kids just dont seem to stop growing nomatter what. Everyday is another milestone for them.

In any case D.S and I closed out the night near 1 am and I headed home after getting the ice broken on medal of honor.

Lately I cant sleep either. I dont know what the reasoning is. My mind wont stop running and trying to slow it down to rest is impossible. I dream wild and crazy dreams. Lately I have been waking up screaming. My dreams filled with horror's of family members getting killed or similar bad situations. Being able to discern these things has also made for me to see my own problem. I never like to admit that I have one.

My kids = My Life

2004-07-25T02:40:00.000-07:00

I cant help but sit here at 3 in the morning nearly, and wonder what my late grandfather Reaser thought about his family when he was my age. It dawned on me as I watched a movie and a touching moment about times past was relived before she died in the movie. It made me remember all the time I was privilidged with my grandfather.

Seeing my family and siblings tear away from each other like a machette through tall grass, I cant help but get depressed at the hopeless dawn of the near future. As a matter of fact, the only things that keep me happy, are my children. I can look at my daughter, and have her warm innocent smile penetrate my soul. My son Rex the 3rd , has a charisma about him that makes me want to smile just to see his face. Finally my loveable son Vyse. Who seems to have all the heart of the man whom part of his name was taken from. Ralph Everett Cole, my wife's late grandfather.

I remember when he held Rex the 3rd when he was only weeks old. I knew that this man needed a noble bloodline. And nomatter whom may shake their head at this column... the Beardsley's are a noble line of blood.

I dearly share and pray that all of you find the same peace in having children, it is the most invigorating experience...and lasts a lifetime.

Careful Consideration

2004-07-24T11:32:00.001-07:00

Ok Day so far. Mr Desert Sabertooth apologized via msn messenger about his posting, but I am still hoping that he will right the wrong on the webpage, since so many other people took it upon themselves to read his blog. My kids may be a handful, but again, they are no handicap. Neither do I think they should be labeled one.

In any case- yesterday was eventful. Been keeping my head high for people to visit my business website http://www.dontforgettotakeyourvitamins.com/beardsley5264 and check out the wonderful vitamins and the business opportunities that lie within. I am going to keep my head high to make sure I keep sending those emails- and post flyers at my work. Hopefully this will work.

I try also to keep from getting too agitated but as I have begun to allow myself the room to change a little about myself, that also means some likes and dislikes have been added or changed.

Well, Im sure I will write again, till then-

Death is the certainty for the uncertain. Rise to fall - die to live.
- RexFord G. Beardsley Jr.

2004-07-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Me and the Kids
Posted by Hello

2004-07-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

My Kids
Posted by Hello

Why the trouble?

2004-07-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

Consider being in my shoes when some of your best friends act the way they do. When they pass you over like a plate of leftover mac n' cheese. Its disconcerting. But Id expect if the good "Sabertooth" of the desert wishes to aviod evolutional extinction- hed make good on repealing his comments about my son. NOBODY makes any comments about my son like that. Ever.

Well, with the exception of that, the week has been good and so has work. I also had set up my home business @ www.dontforgettotakeyourvitamins.com/beardsley5264 and also my main job at Country Automotive. Finances seem to be rolling back into place after the move troubled my finances.

The kids are great, with the slight exemption of Roselena, whom for 3 days had an almost unbreakable fever. But now she is over it. She also has the potty training down. My eldest son Rexford III (aka Trey) is quite the energetic kiddo. And he talks a mile a minute a lot, unless he is around people he doesnt know too well. Finally Vyse is growing like a weed. Surpassing the 17 lb mark here, and just coming up on 5 months of life.

I pushed an alter ego up- that has been for so long buried deep inside. Lets see whom likes the change.

"I am he whom cares not for worry- but one whom creates worry. I feed off fear, eat and respawn the demons of hell at any point in the year. Ficticious beings you all are, the inner esper is what we are. Dont cry for me- tears fuel my hunger..."

-Reuben Township

ANOTHER PROBLEM

2004-07-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

On Saturday , June 26th 2004 - Desert Sabertooth made a statement in a blog that Id like to have re-addressed, or even fixed, because its not true. To quote...

"Later that night Cema 004 showed up just as Ty was dropping me off at my place, and Cema hanged out for awhile shooting the breeze. After that nights discussion we wound up making plans to go to a Comic and Manga/Anime store that I've only heard about and after today the rumors are true. Its the largest and one of the oldest "geek" shops in the state! It had alot and it was hard to keep myself from running all over the place. I did have a handicap however. Cema brought is oldest son (almost 2) along and taking account of his son's need to touch everything and attention span, I kind of kept that trip to the store short."

That is a direct quote from his blog. I have a few problems on this that Id like to be addressed. First of all, My son is not a handicap, and he did not in any way shape or form hamper your ability to browse the store man. Nor did he or I implicate any hurry to rush him out of the store. So for him to say that he had to cut it short is a crock. We spent the better part of nearly an hour in the store. I never asked him to hurry or anything. When he was ready to go, we left on his demand. I didnt implicate in ANY WAY that we had to leave quickly. So this information is QUITE wrong, and Id like him to no longer call my son a handicap. An apology is in order here.

My New Business

2004-07-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well, lets talk business. First of all, many of my good friends have recieved many of my advertising emails, and I do hope they have looked into them, but use the attached link to do so if you havent already. The website is good enough to fulfill your knowledge, so I will leave that up to your surfing ability.

~WARNING *** THIS MAY PISS SOME PEOPLE OFF **DONT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED*************************************~
Ever feel like your being avoided? I seem to have stumbled on a phase where all my friends now seem to neglect my friendship. I seem to feel more used than fairly treated. So I have a car. Does that make me a freakin taxi? Well for the last few times that I have transported few or all of my friends I have not asked for anything for the travel. Going out and doing something as bud's- thats cool. Calling me up to take you somewhere then dropping you off at home immediately afterwards? One Word. "RAPE".

I guess ultimately what I am implying now to my friends is that my time is WAY too precious to be abused. This will sound..(And is) selfishly motivated. Because, how many times must one give give give give, before getting anything in return?

So now since my friends have adapted a policy to just call me when its convenient for their needs, I have adapted a policy that enables me to stay away from those whom truly dont want to be my friends. One thing I was graced with is the ability to Discern - and that allows me to see right through all your superficiality. thinking you are holyer than anyone you talk to. Well let me inform you of something jackass- when you get to the bottom, and have to crawl through the shit that I have crawled through to ACTUALLY have to work for what you have let me know. I'll be here laughing at your candy ass when you finally make the fall and dont know where to start supporting yourself.

You want a prediction? Life is going to screw you over more than those whom have guided you in the past have painted to make you believe. Its a cold hard world out there- and Id like to slap any candy ass moron who thinks that they can be a working, father of 3 by the age of 21 like I have.

You want to hold that off on me? You want to slowly push me off your radar by not talking to me? I can dig it. Hell yeah I can. But when your new friends crash your ass off the end of a car and leave ya hanging- just remember then that YOU were the one who RIPPED the grassroots of your friendship out of the freaking ground! Got it?

You know me, and know me well. But I am done playing games. I am not playing the game for anyone else now. The game is being played for ME now. I am now number 1. You call me, I'll set an appointment for you with my secretary....and thats IF I feel like looking at you. Simply because you feel that your social class is higher than mine, remember one thing- it was always your old pals that saved your ass in the end.

Rex is gone now. It is about Reuben now. My new alias. Fair warning- Reuben isnt a push over like Rex was.

Reflecting on old times

2004-06-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

Well dear friends you can almost imagine that the words though perhaps they may be far and few between, will keep you informed of my life, and how things are going within my family. This actually will seemingly be more helpful than I initially thought it to be. To only briefly begin on a good standard opening post (Because I am tired) I will go as far to say that today has been stressful, yet eventful.
To begin the day I had a massive amount of built up laundry that was stacking higher than I can ever remember seeing it. I took the liberty of giving the mom a jingle, and payed her washer/dryer a visit. After dealing with my 4 kids (1 of which is my wife =P) I took them home and tempted my youngest sister with a 5 dollar amount to finish doing my laundry, and then to fold it for me.
I hurried over to Mcdonalds to eat some overrated spicy chicken and some fries for the kids before taking them home and putting them on nap time. Everyone in the house was tired, myself included, however I was the only one unable to sleep.
I scurried out to my computer hoping to redevelop a good faction with my chair, and logged into the good ol Everquest. Not finding anyone, or anything worth wasting my time on in that game, I logged out and eventually resorted to browsing Launch.com for some old classics, and even some of the newer rock videos. It wasnt only an hour later when the day started to shift into 5th gear.
Kids woke up earlier than I had hoped, and when I entered my son's room, he was naked! He had taken it upon himself to undress and remove his diaper to, well who knows, perhaps to remind me that I keep the temperature in the house at 72 and it shows?!?! ( ::Silent giggle:: ) Well, fortunately thats easy to fix. My kids were out and running around soon enough to make a smoker work his lighter out. Stress is an all too common thought process for me unfortunately. There was a load of riff-raff that ate about 4 hours of my afternoon up, and it would be a waste of time to make you read it, or me type it.
The Evening would be proving eventful, when by chance I said, "What the hell..." and called JC. Normally I resign any efforts of contacting JC as soon as the thought arises simply because his schedule and my own conflict a lot with our hours of operation, and our priorities. JC answered, although he did seem reluctant, and we talked for a few minutes. I asked him to come on over so we could catch up and talk about our renewed efforts of establishing a concrete day to set up our aspiring advanced dungeons and dragons game. He came over about 8pm, and we talked till 9pm. Most of the talking was done about AD & D (Dungeons and Dragons hereby announced) but some of our conversation dragged into his girlfriend Karrie (Forgive me should I murder the correct spelling of her name) which was good for being a good set of ears, and slightly a good twinge for the "Im not the only person having problems" thoughts.
Right about the time JC was heading out, my little sister called me and informed me that my laundry was done and ready to be picked up. I headed on over real quick, meanwhile calling JP and giving the bud a 15-20 minute ETA.
I must say that the most interesting part of the whole day was the approximate 2 hours I spent at JP's house. He might consider it flattering, but I admitted a certain amount of envy to him of how he was able to maintain good focus on career and school before mainstreaming down loveboat lane. Some great words were shared between us. Some great memories of JP and I sitting out on his driveway and looking up at the stars were suddenly relived.
Being in and around JP's house opens a memory with almost any glance at any place in his home. Glancing in his rooms and trying to remember exactly how many times we tried to find his floor. It still cant successfully be accomplished to this day.
I must say, for all those whom read this that may know JP. JP is one special friend, and acquring him as a good friend is as well off an asset as knowing all the answers to a final before you take the final that you never studied for. He is a reliable source of wholesome information, whether it is fact or fiction. I dont believe that at any real point and time I didnt take what he said to heart. Most of the stuff he did tell me in advice in our younger days were used somehow in my personal struggles with family issues, and one can only reflect on a day such as today, ... what a great way to end the day- the way you used to all the time hanging with JP...